


Knowing Your Worth

by Lets_just_see



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: M/M, References Lee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-05-16 20:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14818019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lets_just_see/pseuds/Lets_just_see
Summary: Set after season 4 finale where Edward has been revived.Edward goes to Oswald to finally talk about everything that has happened.Can they go back to how they were? Can they be something more?





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fanfic in this fandom so feedback would be very much appreciated :)

After all is said and done, they will always have each other... won’t they? He’s pushed it too far this time, allowing someone to use him, allowing someone to betray and trap the only person that truly sees him for him and accepts what he sees. He knows he doesn’t deserve Oswald, but what’s even worse is that he knows Oswald will forgive him. Or at least he thinks he knows. Oswald has yet to see him own self worth. 

This is it, all or nothing. It has to be this way, Edward isn’t sure he can handle this in between anymore. 

“I really wanted it to work, me and Lee. I-I needed it to, after Arkham.”

Silence.

“They made me relive my childhood, everything that happened. My father...” Edward trails off, averting his gaze. 

Silence.

Deep breath. 

Oswald needs to speak now or they will spend the evening in this heavy silence.  
“Your father wanted you to settle down with a nice girl?”

“No, he wanted me dead, or just gone maybe. My mother wanted me to be normal, get a girlfriend. She thought it would be enough to get him to stop. It never occurred to her to stop him herself. It was always down to me.”

“I am sorry Ed, honestly, I am. No one should have to go through that. But it doesn’t explain the betrayal. We didn’t have to... be together, but we could have been friends.”

“Do you want that? To be friends?”

It’s Oswald’s time to turn away. “Now? Yes, yes I still want that. Do you? You have to be honest with me Ed, no more games.”

No more games. He doesn’t have the energy or the will to do that to Oswald anymore, they’re too old for it all. Has it really only be a few years since they first met? It feels like a lifetime. 

“I don’t think so.”

Oswald steps back, inhaling sharply. Edwards hands automatically drift towards him. “Oswald, no. I want more. I want to be more than friends.” His cheeks have turned a subtle shade darker but he stands his ground, straightening his back and leaning forward a little. Oswald isn’t sure if it’s subconscious or not. And isn’t that the problem? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know Edward any more. 

“You really can’t handle rejection can you?” Oswald asks. Low blow he knows but it’s the only thing that really makes sense. 

Edward looks like he is going to simultaneously cry and scream in anger. Does he deserve this? He’s done a lot to hurt Oswald, but this is different. Sacred. He told Oswald everything in confidence when they could sit together on the very couch Oswald is standing in front of now.  
He decides to try and get this conversation back on track. “What do you mean? I’m trying to tell you how I think I feel.”

“Well, forgive me for not jumping into your arms,” Oswald suddenly snaps, he’s had enough. He’s back is hunched and he teeth are bare. “But when I found the courage to tell you how I felt you physically recoiled. Do you have any idea what that feels like? You were the- still are the only one I cared for in that way and you broke me. Again and Again you-“

He is cut off by Edward leaning towards his, his lips desperately trying to seek out a mate. For a second Edward thinks this part of their lives are over, Oswald is tilting his head up, moving closer. Then it stops, Oswald blinks hard before pushing Edward back so violently he falls over the table, smacking his head on the floor with a thud. 

Silence. 

Then laughter. Oswald is laughing. Not the joyous laugh he only shared with his belated mother and the man on the floor. No, it’s the laugh everyone gets to hear, his hysterical cackle that lets you know he’s won. And damn if he doesn’t always find a way to win. 

“You really thought a kiss what make all of this go away?” 

Shit. Edward really isn’t as clever as he likes to give himself credit for. 

“What can I do? Please Oswald. I know that I hurt you, but please I honestly, really think that I want to be with you. Really be with you. You’re the only person I think about, the only person I want to run back to.”

“Exactly, run back to. Not run towards, I can’t be you fall back anymore. I can’t take it, I can’t take being you safety net just to watch you bounce back up again. Back up and off you go.”

“What can I do it convince you? To show you.”

A humourless chuckle escapes Oswald’s lips. “Step one: come back in a months time and see if you still feel the same way.” A slight shake of the head tells them both that Oswald is reverting back into The Penguin. 

“Now, Mr Nygma. It’s quite late, I don’t wish to be rude but I was off to bed before you got here. Travel safely.”

Edward has no where to go, they both know this but he can’t stay here. Not yet.  
“Thank you. You too.”

Edward only hesitates for a second before seeing himself out. 

He knows Oswald, doesn’t he? Oswald will forgive him, but he’s can’t deny he’s slightly happy it’s ended this way. Maybe Oswald is finally learning his worth.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and reviews so far! I’ve decided to carry this on and see where it goes. I’m not sure how many chapters I will do.

A month passes both men by at an excruciatingly slow pace. Any moment they are not able to busy themselves with work leaves them feeling cold and numb inside. 

Oswald had the blessing of more tasks to fill his time, but even the great King of Gotham had to sleep. He briefly entertained the idea of finding a ‘bed mate’ to help push the unwanted thoughts out of his mind but he knew that would lead to dire consequences. He doesn’t want anyone, doesn’t need anyone. Oswald has never been driven by sexual desire, not really. All of his dreams seemed to focus on the emotional connection, the idea of being cared for, being desired. Having someone look at him and want him, not the opportunities he can offer. He thought Edward looked at him like that when they first met. He saw Oswald, not The Penguin. 

Edward, however, did not have the blessing of retaining these thoughts to the lonely hours when he should be asleep. It had be one month to the day since he last spoke to Oswald. Technically he could go back to see Oswald today, show his old friend that he respected his wishes. It has taken him the entire month to decide but he thinks doing back on the day will be better than waiting. Oswald needs to be wanted, Oswald deserved to be wanted, completely and wholly. Unwaveringly. That’s why Oswald pushed him away, hell that’s why he deserved to be pushed away. 

—  
11.30 pm. The club downstairs is as lively as ever, music booming and ‘classy’ people acting as anything but. Oswald showed his face for about 20 minutes before he grew tired of flickering his gaze between the drunk costumers and the door. 

Sitting in his office, Oswald sets his glass of whiskey down a little harder than necessary, inwardly cursing himself for believing that Edward would return to him. When will he learn? No one will care about him past what he can offer them, he was not made for unconditional love. 

There’s a sharp knock on the door. A bubble of hope raises in his chest. 

“Boss, there’s someone here to see you. Are you still taking visitors?”

Pop. His emotions really are his downfall. Beside, Edward won’t knock, he would stroll in like he owns the place. 

It’s late and his tired, but he needs a distraction now more than ever. “Yes, send them in.” He answered, rising to his feet. 

Edward walked in with his head slightly bowed, eyes not meeting Oswald’s. Oswald has never seen Edward so submissive since he became The Riddler and he fucking hates it. This man has spent too much of his life being subservient to unworthy people. 

The taller man stops in front of his desk, hovering a moment over the seat before deciding to stand. 

“You’ve never been formal when we’re alone, just sit.” Oswald’s lowers himself into his back into his seat and waits. 

Edward lips curve, ready to form the words ‘thank you’ before he stops himself. Oswald doesn’t want the formality and it’s about time Edward started respected Oswald’s wishes. He settles himself into the chair, forcing his back to curve a little as he leans back. 

“How have you been?” Edward asks,  
“The club is busy tonight, I hope the business is going well.”

“Really? You want to talk about the club?” Oswald laughs, “are you looking to be a business partner? Because if you are then that can be arranged, although I would insist on you being a silent partner of course.”

Ok, Edward can handle this. He hurt Oswald and Oswald driven by the impulse to retaliate. 

“I heard you’ve managed to take over The Narrows, that’s an impressive feat. The people truly respect you, I’ve heard them.”

“I hope they also have the common sense to fear me. So is this the reason you came here at such a late hour? To confirm my status, something I got without you.”

Edward slams his hand on the table, shaking from both frustration and fatigue. “Look, I know I deserved to be sent away, I know I have done things that may not be completely forgiven, but you know what, if you can’t even start to forgive, to listen then this really can’t work. And yes-“ he continues before Oswald can interrupt, “yes, I’ve fucked up, royally fucked up, but we all make mistakes.”

Oswald waits patiently for the enraged man to finish, something he would not have done a year ago. 

“And- and maybe I needed to make those mistakes, maybe I needed to take that journey, to see. To understand why I made the decisions I did, why I felt like I needed to. I’m not like you, I don’t get to do whatever I want, say whatever I want and then move past it.”

God, Edward needed to stop talking, or at least start thinking. Was he always this self involved? Or was Oswald so self involved that he never realised before? 

“Can we talk properly?” Edward continues, oblivious to Oswald’s internal monologue “about that night? I didn’t come here to fight.” Finally Edward says something worth responding to. 

“What did you want to say?” 

“You were right to send me away, I wasn’t being fair to you. I wasn’t thinking things through, which is a rarity for me.” A ghost of a smile dancing over his lips. 

And there he is, The Riddler Oswald knows and loves. 

“Well, I would say you have proven to be someone who makes not thinking things through a habit rather then an exception.”

Eyes meet and lips curve upwards. This is what they both miss, what they maybe need in this dreary city. 

“I’ll let you have that one.”

“How gracious.”

“Thank you.”

This they can work with.

“I’m not excepting things to change after one conversation.” Edward continues, he really has learnt his lesson. “I’m not really expecting anything, but I do want to clear the air. I know I spent too much time talking about me, trying to explain myself but I really did want you to see, to understand that it wasn’t your fault. Oswald it really wasn’t you. Yes, I was upset and angry about Isabella, but I have forgiven you. This was something different.”

Oswald’s smile is gone, but his face is neutral rather then purposefully disinterested. 

“You were raised by a loving mother, Oswald. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I knew her, but she sounded like a woman words cannot describe. She loved and accepted you for you, I honestly envy that.”

“Did she? My mother never knew about the murders, about the deceit, so how can you say she loved me for me?” Oswald voice wavers for a split second before he tries to regain his posture. He doesn’t quite manage it. 

“She knew.” Such certainty for a man who never knew her. Before Oswald can protest Edward carries on, he voice is still soft though. “She must have known, my mother knew things about me that I didn’t want her to and she barely paid my any reall attention. A mother like yours would have seen the change in you and if you couldn’t tell then she definitely loved you unconditionally.”

Oh. 

“I know this is not on the same level, but I love you unconditionally too. I know that now. I don’t just think, I know. And that doesn’t mean anything is going to happen.” Edward holds his hands up in a mock form of surrender. “But it means I’ve spend the past month analysing everything, going over everything again and again. I wouldn’t say it unless I was sure. Please believe that.”

Oswald doesn’t say anything, he can’t yet. This is everything he’s ever wanted and everything he’s too scared to have. 

“And how, pray tell, did you come to that conclusion?”

Ever the same, Oswald needs reassurance, not that Edward can blame him.

“It’s always you Oswald. Always. You’re the one I want to impress the most. You’re the one I worry about the most, I worry about your safety, how people are treating you.... what you think about me.” 

“I never truly hate you, Ed. I couldn’t.”

“And I you. It took some time, we both had anger and betrayal to work through, and I think you still do. Which is fine obviously.” The last part added in haste to sooth any potential back lash. “I came here today to tell you that I know I love you. No doubts, no games, I love you.”

“Do you want a relationship with me?”

“Yes, yes I really do, but I’m not expecting it. If you want friendship, I’d be honoured, if you want us to be partners in crime I will never professionally betray you. If you want... more, I will do my best to be everything you need me to be.” 

“I do want more Eddie.” Eddie.... he’s Eddie now. 

“Ok, where do you want to start?”

“Where I want to start and where we should start may be two different points.”

“Is completely up to you Oswald.”

“We should start with being allies, perhaps I should devise a mission with you, Jim has had is easy of late.”

Oswald pauses, Edwards wants to ask but he doesn’t. 

“I want to start by lying down next to you, hold you. Or be held by you, I’m not sure.”

Every fibre of Edwards being wants to scream “Yes! Lets find out, let’s go and find out right now” but he can’t. Can he? 

Silence settles between them, not heavy and suffocating like last month, but fragile and tentative. 

“Which one do you want?” Oswald asks. 

Is this a game? A test? No, they agreed to no more games. 

“I very much like the second option. Well both actually, a mission sounds fun.” 

“And the second.... option, how does that sound?”

Reassurance. Oswald is allowing Edward to see the real him, laying himself bare. 

“It sounds divine, Ozzie. I have to confess it’s part of what I’ve been thinking about his past month. I don’t want to embarrass you-“

“Embarrass me? Why would that embarrass me? Oh Eddie, you don’t think I’m a blushing virgin do you?” The smile isn’t mocking in the slightest but it still causes Edward some discomfort. 

“I wasn’t sure, but... you never seemed to show any instead in anyone” the ‘except me’ is mercifully left unsaid. 

“It-it has been a practical way to get ahead.” He’s not ashamed, damn his stutter. They’ve both done questionable things to get ahead or protect themselves. 

“Fair enough.”

“Still want to share a bed with me?” The huff of laughter is only half joking. 

“Yes.” No hesitation.

They can do this, they can work on this. It’s all either of them really wanted if they are honest with themselves.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm losing my way a little with this story so it will probably be a while before the next update. Let me know what you think and please be honest.

Despite their talks of waiting to hold each other they find themselves lying side by side staring up at the ceiling. They are both dressed in a set of Oswald’s pyjamas, Edward looking comical in trousers that stop above the ankle and sleeves that come mid way up the forearm. His shirt is left unbuttoned but his undershirt covers his chest. 

Oswald seems more settled, sinking into the soft bed with clothes that actually fit. 

“Oswald? Do you mind if I take this pyjama shirt off? It’s getting uncomfortable.”

“Sure.” Oswald’s is still looking up at the ceiling. 

As Edward sits up to remove the offending garment Oswald allows himself a sneak peak. His arms are even more defined then the last time he saw them, he briefly thinks about how the suit he brought Edward does nothing to show off the muscles in his arms. Maybe that’s a good thing, the taller man is already getting enough looks for how amazing his arse looks in those trousers. 

When Oswald pulls himself out of his thoughts he find Edward smiling at him.

“What are you thinking about?” Edward asks softly, remaining in a sitting position so he can watch Oswald. 

“Nothing.” Oswald’s answers a little too quickly.

“Ooook,” The word is drawn out to show both Edward’s disbelief at the idea that Oswald doesn’t have to elaborate if he doesn’t want to. “Shall I tell you want I’m thinking about?” Edward’s confidence has grown since Oswald invited him up to his room. 

“Sure.” 

“I was just thinking about when we shared a bed at my apartment. When I first found you. I was really nervous.”

“About sharing a bed?”

“Yeah. You were the second person I’d ever shared a bed with, and it didn’t exactly end well with the first person.” 

“Didn’t it? It awoke the real you after all.”

Edward isn’t really sure how to respond to that so he just nods. 

“Lie down Ed.”

So he does. 

They’re getting use to the silences that are settling between them. Each one brings with it more and more content. 

A deep breath enters and exhales Oswald’s nose as he finds the courage to speak his thoughts. 

“What to know what I’m thinking now?”

“Sure.”

“I was thinking,” Oswald rolls into his side, “that when I invited you up here there was talks of being.... closer then we are now.” 

Edward rolls into his side as well, lightly running a hand down the length of his partner’s side. “Have you decided yet?”

“Decided what?” Oswald shifts back in his confusion. 

Bloody hell Oswald, Edward thinks, I’m not attacking you. Instead he says. “Remember, you said you wasn’t sure if you wanted to hold me or be held.” 

“Oh.”

Yes oh, is this what will happen every time there is a misunderstanding? Will Oswald always assume the worst? No, it will be ok. Edward knows they still have things to work through. He needs to stop secretly expecting everything to go from 0-60 so quickly. 

“I think I want to be held, if you want.”

“Of course.” Edward shifts over, encircling his arms around Oswald’s narrow waist. He waits patiently for Oswald to lay his head on his chest but he doesn’t. He just hovers there, unsure of where to go. “Ozzie?” A gentle reassuring rub along his back, “you can lie down.”

“There’s not a lot of room. I’ll be on top of you.”

“Yeah...” Edward’s experience in this was admittedly limited, but even he knew that was how this normally worked. Miss Kringle would lay on his chest sometimes.

“Right.” Oswald lowers himself down so that his head is nestled in Edward’s chest. It felt nice. 

“You ok? You’re acting like you haven’t done this before. Do you need more time before we do this? I don’t want to fuck this up.”

Oswald is grateful to be in this position, he doesn’t want to see Edward’s face, but more importantly he doesn’t want Edward to see his when they have this conversation. 

“I think one of the problems we had before was all of the secrets.”

“Erm, yeah. I agree.” Confusion colours Edward’s face. Of all the possibilities lying here together could bring this conversation was not one he has envisioned. 

“I’ve never done this.”

He lied earlier about his experiences? “That’s ok, look I’m not here to jump you the second we touch. We can take this slowly. You know I may not be a virgin but I’ve never been with a man so it’s nerve racking for me too.”

“No Edward, that’s not what I’m talking about. I wasn’t lying, I’ve had sex. But it was always to get ahead, or to protect myself from falling.” He felt Edward’s hold around him stiffen. 

“So you’re taking about this hug?” Oswald has never been held like this? 

“Think logically Edward,” he lets out a breath of annoyance. “People were only interested if it was a strategic move, and I was only really interested when it served a purpose. Does this change things? Because I’m not trying to push you away, I’m just trying to be honest.”

“It doesn’t change how I feel. But can I ask you something?” 

“I think that’s rather the point.” 

“How do you view sex? Is it something that you are honestly interested in? Because, in the name of honestly, even though I haven’t had.. much experience, I think it is something I want.” 

“When I was young and naive it was something I really wanted. Then I learned what it was all really about: power. That’s why I haven’t bothered with it in a while. But I would very much like to make you the exception. This,” he shrugs his shoulders to indicate the hug, “this doesn’t feel like power. This feels like an exception.”

“You’re my exception too.”

“Because I’m a man.” 

“No, well yeah that too. I’m guessing your figured out my ‘number’ is 3 as people put it.”

“Knew about two, assumed The Doc used it to keep you on side.”

“That’s why you’re my exception. Miss Kringle, yes we were dating, but there was always a look of pity or something off. Isabella, I really thought I loved her but that was just trying to get something back, trying to pretend I hadn’t killed Miss Kringle. That I was a ‘good’ man. Then, your right, there was Lee but you already know about that one. You’re my exception because I think you really want me.” Edward moved his head to the side, straining his neck at the odd angle and silently praying that Oswald would look up at him. He does. 

“I do, Edward. I want you for you.”

“You?”

“You’re my exception because-“

“Oswald.” Now was not that time for the smaller man name to play dumb. 

“Eight.” 

“That’s it?”

“You were expecting a higher number?” Oswald’s highbrows raise slightly before he turns his body about to save the strain in his neck. 

“No, I mean, you’re just giving me a number?” 

“You what to know who?”

“Well, you know mine, but you don’t have to say I guess.”

“You won’t know most of them, but-“

“Actually don’t.”

“Ok. You sure? We did say there would be no secrets.”

“I know, but it is all really wasn’t for the right reasons then I don’t want to see them and know they mistreated you.”

“They’re all dead now, Ed.” 

Oh. 

“Were they all men?”

“One woman, the rest yes.” 

They lie down again, listening to nothing in particular.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this is not my best work, but I didn't like the idea of this story hanging over me as I started others. If I'm being honest a part of me wished I left this as a oneshot, but alas.

Chapter Four 

Three months had passed with relative ease between the two. On Oswald’s request, Edward had only stayed over a handful of times. 

He knew that Oswald needed this, the building relationship and the slow pace it was taking. Edward would be lying if he said he wanted things to speed up, he had never experience feelings like this before and he also needed time to sort things out in his mind.

As time progressed, Oswald was allowed Edward to fit more easily into his life; the awkward silences were becoming less frequent, the initial shocked reaction to physical contact lessen, he was even beginning to lean into the touches now. 

Oswald had truly realised that was his mother had told him when growing up was true: he was unique, handsome and deserved respect, from everyone. Edward doubted there was a soul in Gotham that has not suffered, but not like this man. Yes, Oswald has done unspeakable things, but that was to survive. The things Oswald has had to endure; those were worse. And endure he had. Edward could finally see it, and more importantly, so could Oswald. 

Never again would Oswald accept lower than his worth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with it to the end.   
> Let me know what you think in the comments


End file.
